Wednesday, January 1, 2014

My Experience with Meditation

I just happened to pick up a Bodhi Meditation newspaper out in the city
of Hollywood only one week prior to the Hilton Ceremony featuring
Master Jin Bodhi. I clearly had no idea what I was about to
experience however, intuitively I knew I was heading in the right
direction, as I had grown desperate for answers, and had ran out of
places to look, or so I had thought. I had been in search of something
so much more for many years, yet I couldn't tell you what that
something was. I did believe and feel somehow that my longing would
be fulfilled only by going within.  The peace I yearned for, the
solitude I craved, a clear and empty mind, including the mental
clarity I had longed for. I simply had no idea how to go about it. I
tried to relax my mind, my body & my restless spirit, the more I
tried, the more wound up I became. I noticed my mind seemed to remain
in a constant chaotic state, filled with turmoil, deep sadness,
loss, and intense fear and without valid reason, it just was part of
my every day behavior. I would notice I was holding onto wounds of
the past, long gone relationships, including family members that had
past on. I noticed I had been reliving these events and negative
emotions daily without an understanding as to why, however, it was
something I learned to do my entire life and it was now making me
ill yet again. I knew something had to change and that something was

Looking back now I managed to increase these feelings by not knowing how to
accept responsibility for all the choices I made regarding my past,
instead I learned to dodge responsibility, I set myself up for an
emotional battle, I over reacted and I was on a flight or fight mode
constantly, and seemed to be very defensive whether I was right or
wrong. I knew clearly these were the defenses I used even as a child
yet, they were affecting me as an adult as well. I did not know how
to be any different. I carelessly pushed people away especially those
who wanted to love and be close to me, which truly was the opposite
of what I had wanted for myself and in my life, yet my patterns
consistency proved otherwise. It wasn't surprising that I would soon
be diagnosed with Follicular and Papillary Cancers in 2002

I had one of my good friends come by and set up my brand new
computer system , when she noticed a lump on my neck. I tried to
avoid the subject but she kept persisting I get it checked. I felt my
blood run cold, as though someone just learned of a secret I was
trying to keep, and in fact it was true the secret was now out in the
open and it was time to take responsibility as it had been fours
years since I noticed the lump on my neck and I did nothing about it.

It would be several more days before id be seen by a Dr so I had time
to reflect upon my denial, and  re-evaluated my life and found I had
little to no love for myself, or I would have handled this years
before. Instead I continuously chose to avoid it and deny there had
been anything wrong at all. It was approximately 3 more weeks by the
time the results came back and I learned it was cancer. I don't
believe I even allowed the Dr to finish his sentence when I heard the
word c-a-n-c-e-r I was already in my car driving home, crying

It was fear that kept me from taking responsibility for myself. Fear is
the key word here that I allowed to keep me from truly living my life
to the best of my ability. I noticed I had been paralyzed by fear for
most of my life, and being struck with cancers proved a perfect
example of what results from living in fear in my opinion, yet, I had
no idea how to live and be any different.

Somehow I felt if I was going to come out of this entire ordeal alive I would
need to choose life. Wow! I thought, I was at choice for my life,
perhaps I always had been but this time around it was from a knowing
without uncertainty. Everything came to light almost immediately. My
faith, or rather lack thereof  became apparent, my lack of self
acceptance, lack of self love, everything I lacked came to surface.

I was going crazy inside. I didn't want to be going through this at
all, but I was. I found myself powerless and clueless, confused and
alone. I knew somehow my thoughts needed to change but again I knew
no other way to do it differently. I began questioning what if? What
if by chance there was a reason for this important experience in my
life? What if everything in all our lives happens with great purpose?
I began becoming more and more curious about things I hadn't thought
about prior. My deep questioning brought comfort to my soul.

The surgery initially had been a success, although the radiation would
need to be administered within the next month to kill off the
remaining cancer cells and because the cancers had spread into the
lymph nodes. I also learned that one of the cancers they had found
was never found in people as young as I had been and was a much more
aggressive cancer which left many questions within their minds. They
also reassured me that id be fine and healthy in no time at all.

Saturday morning around 8;30 am I completed signing my release papers and
couldn't wait to see my brother and my daughter who were on their way
to take me home. I mentioned to the nurse that I felt a mild tingling
sensation in my face, hands and feet and I noticed it began to
increase. She said, “oh no worries i'll bring you 2 tums and you'll
be fine”. Truth is the tums did not relieve my symptoms. Instead
the numbness increased, I began feeling extremely weak and dizzy,
light headed and nervous. I felt this increased energetic spinning
within my body and the numb tingling sensations were no longer just
on my hands, feet and face but in and over my entire body. I
literally felt my entire muscular system tightening and hardening. My
skin became too tight to even move at all but I used my will to
survive and every breath of  my being to manage to push the nurses
station yet no one came. I desperately called my mom and told her I
was dying”. Of course she panicked and told me to call the nurses
and I explained I had done that and no one was coming. I begged her
to call 911, “please mom”, “i'm dying”. I even threw the
phone to the floor in hopes to draw attention to my room, but no one
came. I squirmed out of bed and walked as though I were hunched back
I couldn't straighten up let alone lift my feet to walk hurriedly to
the hallway, instead I dragged my feet. I stood at the door way that
contained not a single soul I tried yelling “help” but it came
out only as a whisper. I had completely forgotten my vocal cords had
been temporarily damaged due to surgery. Tears began streaming down
my face. I knew my life was over and it was going to be a painful
death. I was physically suffering and no one was around to help me. I
simply gave up and slowly and effortlessly returned to my bed and let
go and let God while awaiting death to become me. So many thoughts
filled my head.......

I realized no matter how many people in the world loved me, not one of
them could help me. I was alone with all of my beliefs no matter how
distorted they may have been, all of my experiences, all of  my lifes
journey, it was all belonging to me. I knew in my heart my life was
not over, and yet I knew I would soon be removed from the life I had
known and there was nothing I could do about it. I noticed the
spinning sensation I mentioned earlier began to increase and I felt
it moving upward in my body without my needing to do anything at all.
All of a sudden an emergency team entered. I opened my eyes shocked
to find my Dr at the foot of my bed with tears streaming down his
face along with 2 nurses at his side. I was at his mercy begging him
for answers, I wanted to know what was happening to me and why? All
their faces appeared horrified and non spoke a word. He began
yelling at the nurses to hook me back up the Calcium Citrate IV,
questioning why I was removed from the IV to begin with. “Mind
you”, I was only removed from the IV because I was being released
from the hospital before all this happened. It seemed like eternity
before they obtained the Calcium IV. I now noticed an increased
electrical surge of energy flowing throughout my body, spinning
continuously, picking up momentum and clearing out my entire body it
seemed, leaving not a single particle behind. I could feel and hear a
loud even toned ringing in my ears but I could also feel it vibrating
throughout my body as well. Nausea, nervousness, and excruciating
painful muscle spasms were felt every inch of my body and extreme
tightness in my chest, when suddenly I was literally squeezed out of
my body through the crown of my head, like that of the soft spot of a
new born babies head. I felt my body as one, even though I was
clearly detached from it. I knew it was mine. I felt as though I was
parallel to the body below me. I could still feel every physical
sensation yet at the same time I was this huge mass of energy
swirling in and out of itself in a circular motion continuously
spinning. I saw colors from every shade of gray to white. I literally
floated further and further away from my body until I reached the
ceiling. I tried to move up even further through the ceiling in hopes
to be released into Heaven but instead bits and pieces of my life
flashed before me and I heard myself talking, it was my own voice
stating I would meet teachers/masters that would guide me on my
journey. I now knew my life was not over mainly because I could still
feel my physical sensations. It felt like I was communicating
telepathically from a deeper perspective. I looked down at my body
and noticed how painful my death had been. I watched as Dr worked
feverishly to revive me. Nitro glycerin pills under my tongue, the
DE fibrillation team using the paddles on my chest and nothing brought
me back until my body was reconnected to the Calcium Cit-rate IV. It
felt as though I were watching a movie on a widescreen, yet I was
connected to each and every human being below me. In fact I knew I
was. I knew we were all connected, as time went on I soon forgot.

I vowed to make my experiences known in agreement to fulfill the many
messages I had received between here and there. I felt I would learn
to live my life without fear and without harsh criticism, I would
also share my life's journey and experiences in the same manner. I
knew I would soon begin healing my distorted perceptions, the mental
wounds I've collected over the years, with unconditional love,
compassionately, honestly, and more importantly with self acceptance.
The moment I was reconnected to the IV I quickly began losing the
most glorious feeling of euphoria and weightlessness. I felt this
magnificent and strong energy force pulling me back towards my body
and away from the ceiling on through the crown of my head. Amazingly
I remained calm and serene which had been so unlike my nature. I lay
in my bed completely numb, dazed, confused and deeply sad, sad that
my journey had to continue. I soon learned that during surgery I not
only had a total thyroidectomy but unfortunately I lost all 4
parathyroid glands as well, this left my body unable to regulate
calcium in both the blood and the bones, and therefore I was
dangerously depleted of calcium and suffered cardiac arrest and a
brief moment of between worlds.

I spent many years since trying to seek the answers as to why this
entire ordeal happened to me and sought out others similar
experiences, I read many books, searched online, joined various self
help groups but no one helped me fully understand what I soon learned
had been my very own and personal  spiritual journey.

I spent the next 9 years in cultivation, learning, reading and
journal about my entire life's journey to the best of my ability and
I still felt something was missing. By 2010-2011 I was growing more
and more anxious, nervous and the anxiety attacks increased. I was
clueless about what to do now, because I thought I was doing so much
training to free my post traumatic syndrome stemming from my near
death experience and yet my anxiety attacks were coming more
frequently. I noticed through out my childhood I suffered anxiety
attacks and began taking medications early on. I wanted it different
this time around. I started noticing I was not living my purpose,
whatever that purpose was, I knew I wasn't living it because I found
myself depressed, sad, lonely, and nothing seemed to be working in my
life and more importantly I found myself attached to negativity,
without knowing this was what I had been doing. I felt like I was
running on a hamster wheel, running fast yet going no where.

I entered The Hilton Ceremony Chanting 5 Day Retreat featuring Master
Jin Bodhi and immediately felt at peace and yet so very uncomfortable
at the same time. I found myself questioning what I was doing here to
begin with? I had no idea what I was chanting in Sanskrit and
physically I was feeling ill. The first day I was extremely
exhausted, 2nd thru the 3rd day I was
physically in pain , emotionally and  exhausted. Still, I remained in
my commitment to attend all 5 days. I knew I needed to be here
because I came alone without checking out the website, I knew no one
attending this event, and yet every night and the morning after I
couldn't wait to attend again regardless of the physical pains and
discomforts, and regardless if I understood what I was actually
doing. I knew however, that my mind, body & soul was craving the
energy. The positive, loving powerful healing energy I experienced
every morning.

I felt 2 anxiety attacks coming on during the chanting retreat and
questioned others that were volunteering why this was happening to me
while I was doing nothing but sitting still? I was made aware that
this was called transitioning and/or restructuring. It made perfect
sense as my body began adjusting itself.

I immediately I knew this was the teacher/master I had been looking
for, and I knew that my anxiety attacks would eventually lesson as
long I continued to trust and work diligently towards self
cultivation and truly healing my own thoughts. I have since attended
2 more 8.5 days Bodhi Meditation retreats and most recently attended
the Health & Fitness Retreat without having a single anxiety
attack. I have not used Xanax for my anxiety since July 2011. I've
changed my entire eating to a more health conscious way, my thinking
has become more clearer and my body has relaxed a great deal. During
the Hilton Ceremony in July I had been diagnosed with cancer for a
2nd time but this time I have chosen to refuse radiation
treatment at this time to begin working towards my own personal
healing through practicing The Meditation of Illumination and The
Meditation of Purity for the next 60 days. I have not refused to
listen to Dr per say but I decided to help in my own personal healing
and in truth I know without a doubt in my mind I will soon be cancer
free, healthy, happy and whole.....Bodhi Meditation/ Puti.Ca has not
only changed my life but it's brought life back into myself. I know I
am fairly new to this experience but the changes I have been
experiencing is like bringing; Heaven here on earth~I am love, and
it's completely safe to be love and share love around the world to
all people it truly is who I am and it's strengthening here through
Bodhi and I am forever grateful~ Antoinette Padilla~

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